The BIG Takeaway™ newsletter By Rich Trombetta Jan. 23, 2023
Using examples from TV, movies and sports to launch a journey toward peace and happiness at work, at home...in life. Grab the remote and change your life.™
The drama of the NFL playoffs. Amazing NCAA basketball games. New shows and movies. Aubrey Plaza wearing an NBC Page jacket on SNL (I still have mine). There is so much great pop culture to learn from.
This week I am going to go back to a show I wrote about a few weeks ago, "Fleishman is in Trouble." While I give a sense of what happens in the series, no worries, it's not really a spoiler.
The show has a lot of great life lessons and this week is one that resonated with me.
Trust...but verify We see the "what" but don't always know the "why"
The context "Fleishman Is In Trouble" is the story of recently divorced 41-year-old “Toby Fleishman” (Jesse Eisenberg), who dives into the brave new world of app-based dating with the kind of success he never had dating in his youth, before he got married at the tail end of medical school. (source: FX Networks).
Through the first six episodes Toby's wife, Rachel, is portrayed as a ambitious, greedy, self-centered, never-satisfied individual. She neglects her family, is consumed by status and berates others.
It is almost impossible not to view her as the villain in the story and, conversely, Toby as the hero.
Why? Because the story is told almost entirely from Toby's perspective. For six episodes. Then comes episode seven.
Going a little deeper
In episode seven we learn the other side of the story, particularly how Rachel's childhood had been one of tragedy and rejection.
We hear phrases like "She was alone again," "It must be she was unlovable," and "There goes another one." We understand that Rachel simply wants to be loved and her actions come from a place of low self-esteem and fear.
At one point she says, "I was dumped. By everyone."
Suddenly Rachel isn't a villain; she is just like you and me. She is a person with a story, a background, and a past - all of which have tremendous influence on her behaviors and actions as an adult.
It is here that the narrator of the show - a journalist by trade - recognizes she has made a critical mistake; she has only been listening to Toby's version of things.
Connecting the dots
It is clear what someone is doing; we can see it, hear it and sometimes even feel it. Understanding why takes compassion and curiosity.
In episode seven I realized that not once had I paused and thought, "I wonder what is driving Rachel's behavior?"
Instead, I was judgmental and believed what I wanted to believe; I formed an impression of Rachel without considering that maybe Toby contributed negatively to the situation as well or that something deep inside of her was behind her motives.
Rachel is suffering and her desire for control, power and material possessions is not about prestige, it is about fear and rejection.
How can we not have compassion when we see, in a flashback, her not being accepted as a teen by the other girls school and even by people she considered friends as an adult, simply due to her lack of perceived status or wealth? It is heart breaking and, in an instant, it all makes sense.
SIDE NOTE: Can you see why I believe watching TV, sports and movies can change your life for the better? So many great life lessons while you are being entertained. It's a twofer.
My BIG Takeaway
When I see someone behaving a certain way (maybe they are being mean, greedy, power hungry, selfish, etc.) I need to be curios as to "why" and have compassion instead of passing judgment and acting on assumptions.
Bonus: I also need to ensure I am not simply hearing - and believing - what I want to hear, especially if it is only one side of the story.
Double bonus: I need to be mindful of when I am acting a certain way (mean, greedy, power hungry, selfish, etc.), reflect internally as to "why" I am doing so, and offer compassion to myself.
Why do I need to have a project go my way at work? Why do I want a certain title? Why do I want a certain office? Why do I want someone to like and accept me? Why do I want recognition? Why do I want praise? Why am I rambling on about something? Why do I need to win? Why do I need to be perfect? Why do I need to be right?
To quote "Pulp Fiction," “If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.”
I have come to learn and accept that it is through the asking of these scary questions comes growth and, ultimately, happiness. I my case, the answers are jarring and yet cathartic.
Parting thoughts Last year I read a story about high school students creating fake social media accounts with the names of their peers, most of which had squeaky-clean records and were academically high achievers.
The students would then post offensive material on these fake accounts knowing that certain prestigious colleges would be searching the social media posts of applicants.
The theory was that the schools would then reject the people with the offensive material which, in turn, would increase the odds of being admitted for the students who were conducting the nefarious behavior.
I would argue that students that do things like create fake social media accounts to hurt their peers don't necessarily want to go to a certain prestigious college.
I suspect they want to be loved and accepted by their parents and live up to the expectations around status, power and wealth that have been fed to them. This is just a guess.
They are most likely under extreme pressure to succeed and being rejected by a certain school will not be disappointing for them, it will bethem disappointing their family.
Why are we surprised by the behavior? How can we not have compassion?
Please know I am not condoning what these students did.
I am simply trying to show that by pausing and looking at things without judgment and from a place of compassion, a second perspective beyond the news article appears and things shift dramatically.
Disclaimer: Please know I am not saying anyone with ambition or who is driven and works hard is doing it because they didn't get hugs as a kid. I know plenty of nice, driven people who, along with their children, are grounded and simply putting their talents and potential to work. I am talking about when thing go off the rails.
Quote for the week “Compassion is the wish to see others free from suffering.” – The Dalai Lama
That's all for now Thanks for reading and please remember:
We archive our stories and put them here for the world to read so feel free to have a look.
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Rich Trombetta @trombettarich
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